The Magical Science of Junk Food
by Blue3
Summary: What do you get when you cross a chocolate Teddy Graham with a Vanilla Teddy Graham?" Hold up, Cloud say WHAT? The story of how Cloud finds meaning in life, as told by Yuffie.


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"What do you get when you cross a chocolate Teddy Graham with a Vanilla Teddy Graham?"

Cloud say WHAT?

Okay. Hoooold up. Let me go back to the beginning.

So, there I am, sitting on the roof of a random house, being my usual cool and awesome self as I chillax and eat some Teddy Grahams. Because I totally _was not _avoiding Aerith and her evil ways of guiltripping/bribing me into cleaning my room. Nope, definitely not.

You believe me, don't you?

Anyway, back to the story.

So there I am, the Great and Awesome and Holy Ninja Yuffie, eating my Teddy Grahams, throwing a few at that duck's head and laughing evilly when he jumps and starts squacking about evil spirits, when **SHAZAM**! Cloud appears out of nowhere and plops down near me. So I'm like, scared shitless, and all, "WHOAMIGAWD WHERE DID YOU COME FROM", because honestly, having a scary, emo dude who is probably strong enough to kill you in one hit if you annoy him enough creep up on you is _sort of scary._ Just a bit. Anyway, he doesn't really answer and just ignores me while he stares at his feet, kind of like how Sora would always do that pouty frown when he hadn't gotten a lead on Riku after a while so I'm guessing he's here to think about lifa, self-reflect about what's wrong with him, the world, yada yada yada.

Anyway, for a few seconds it's silent and I'm feeling just a_ teeeeny _bit awkward, because really, if you have ever had Cloud sit next to you, even though he says nothing and keeps to himself as he practically disappears into his magical emo hole of _leavemealonekthxbai_, it's seriously like having this big SHADOW of DOOM having over you, like if you get close enough, he'll infect you with his angst and make you realize how miserable the world really is, which is why you should totally chase after guys whose sword is practically _double your size_. Oh, and who can also _fly. _Yeah. Cloud tends to have that affect on people.

So I attempt some conversation, you know, because I think I'm _much_ more interesting than feet anyway. It sort of went like this:

Me: _Hey Cloud! So, how's life?_

Cloud: _Hm._

Me: _Yeah, I've been a bit under the weather too. Maybe it's like, I dunno, allergies._

Cloud: _Hm._

Me:_ Maybe I'm allergic to the Heartless! You think it's possible?_

By now, he's not even gracing my with an answer, so fine! I get it! Conversation's a lost cause—though it's not really a surprise, considering it's _Cloud_—and okay, Cloud wants some _alone time_, to you know, hate the world? That's cool, alright? I respect that.

So I go back to happily savouring my lovely sweet little teddy grahams, relishing in their invigorating taste of _pure, sweet sugar_—

Well, yeah, Cloud of course, decides to ruin the moment—because, you know, me and my Teddy Grahams were getting _hot_—Ahem, anyway, so yeah, Cloud starts actually talking! Like, initiating conversation! Like _socializing!_

"What do you get when you cross a chocolate Teddy Graham with a Vanilla Teddy Graham?"

**Dot.**

**Dot.**

**Dot.**

I swear, I nearly choked and died at that moment.

So here I am, just staring, and STARING at Cloud, because really, WHAT THE HELL SPIKES? WHAT THE HELL? Are you high or something? Taking too many drugs or whatever shit it is that makes you crazy? Really, is this some kind of lame-ass, mysterious euphemism for figuring out the meaning of life, because lemme tell ya: It sure as hell SUCKS.

But now, let's add another surprise shall we, HE KEEPS TALKING.

NO, REALLY.

"You still get chocolate, right? It would be a lighter shade, but still essentially chocolate-flavoured."

And now, he's looking at me, _looking _at me! As if he actually cares about my reaction! As if my answer will give him the meaning of life or some crap like that! And you know what's even scarier? This is probably the most Cloud has ever talked to me in my entire LIFE. And to think, it's about Teddy Grahams, no less.

Oh Spikes, _you kill me_. You really do.

And...he's still waiting for an answer. You know, I think he wants to me to answer _seriously_, too.

Lemme tell ya, life is hilarious.

Okay.

Okay.

So, now I'm frantically searching for an answer, some lame-ass think to say—I mean, much as I _love_ having this non-conversation with Cloud, this is just ridiculous—when my eyes wander down to the bag of junk in my hand. AND THEN.

Oh yeah, I got you there, didn't I?

AND THEN.

AND _THEN_.

AND THEN IT HAPPENS.

MY ANSWER!

"Wrong."

And I will never, ever ever EVER, repeat this—NEVER, I tell you—but in that one moment that Cloud reacted, blinking his _unfairly gorgeous_ blue eyes with this _adorable_ little confused look on his face, and the _smallest, little pout_ on his face —OHMYGAWD, HE WAS SO CUTE.

"See," I continue to explain to him. "When a chocolate Teddy Graham and a vanilla Teddy Graham love each other very much, they undergo a special and complicated process called POLYMERIZATION, kinda like that card game? No? Okay, anyway, when that happens—and you know, it's actually rather rare, because chocolate and vanilla both hate other, forbidden and—ANYWAY, when it happens, you get a VERY, SPECIAL, TEDDY GRAHAM! VOILA!"

And then, I reveal it. THE VERY SPECIAL TEDDY GRAHAM.

Theeeee—_dundundun_—SWIRL!

I hold it out to Cloud, just to be polite, you know, it _is _his answer to life, even if he's not going to take it anyway, being the distant, quiet bastard that he is (and I say that with all the love in the world)...

"Thanks."

...HEY I WANTED THAT DAMMIT.

But then, the seconds pass, and I _guess _I can forgive him, you know, because hey, he actually made the effort to interact with others, ya know? Progress! And he actually sort of look kind of pleasant, eating the Teddy Graham. Like he's happy. Peaceful. I mean, I guess Cloud's not _that _bad...

"Aerith is looking for you, by the way."

I TAKE THAT BACK.

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Author's Note: This was done as a response for the nearly dead prompt forum (link found in my profile, thanks) to ZAG's Clouffie prompt. I think you can guess what quote the prompt was. Ehehe, and I think this is better than some recent Clouffies I've written so I'm satisfied. Progress!

But really, Yuffie is such a hard narrator. STAY ON TRACK, girl! Oh yeah, just so you know, this is my first (completed) attempt at first person in fanfiction. You do _not_ want to know how many times I've referenced Guardian1's fics just so I could try to get the style down right. SO, GIVE ME ADVICE ON HOW TO IMPROVE IT PLEASE! X3


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